Show description

Her physical symptoms worsened. As for her mental ones: ". . "69 Gradually, though, Gillot did bring her interest round from his subjects as his to his subjects as such, then finally as hers: the following winter found her preparing to study comparative religion at the University of Zurich after her confirmation. Meanwhile, even as she was idealizing Gillot—unknowingly "creating him for myself" in the image of her childhood god, and "by the same method" at that70 i Pfeiffer, Leben, 289 (*Lou in old age).

76 Lou, however, was preclusively gripped by her infantile father complex, still unresolved. Before supplanting Gillot completely, she needed first to establish herself as his virtual daugh­ ter-wife—all else and others be damned. Such was the "instinctual must not amenable to reason"77 of her Gillot days, later dignified by her variously as an inner summons to knowledge or freedom or integrity. Gillot lent her encouragement. He embraced her freely, called her "my girl,"™ took fondest pains with her.

He fast turned her into an impassioned student of religion and philosophy after his own manner. He also taught her to do tight resumes of whatever she read—and let her write diaries for his approbation. She read herself wan for him by daylight and candle­ light. She learned Dutch so as to use his own copy of Kant. Belong­ ing to him altogether, she "almost devoutly" belonged to Spinoza,56 0 "She took in really nothing of what he said, noticed only the way he said it" (1893g:32). iThe term uMdrchenstiindchen" (Caro—»Lou, 5 Vl 1879: below, p.